Fear Isn’t a Swear Word: How to Work with Fear in Relationships, Breakups, and Parenting

by: Melissa Ghelarducci Hancock

Fear shows up in every part of our lives. It can live quietly in the background of our relationships, whispering questions like “What if I’m not enough? What if this doesn’t last? What if I get hurt again?”

It can make us second-guess love, question our worth, or stay silent when we know we should speak up. Fear can keep us in relationships that no longer feel safe or make us build walls around our hearts in new ones. Sometimes it hides behind people-pleasing or perfectionism. Sometimes it just feels like a knot in your stomach that never really goes away.

And sometimes, fear shows up while you are just trying to make dinner, and your brain decides that is the perfect moment to replay every bad relationship decision you have ever made. Thanks, brain.

I have known that kind of fear. During my marriage and divorce, it went far beyond worry. I was threatened, told I was being followed, and even saw someone I cared about targeted. I carried the constant fear of losing my children and of who would be brought into their lives. For a long time, I thought that feeling meant I was weak. With time, therapy, training, and a supportive community, I learned something different. Fear is not weakness. It is information. It is your mind and body saying, something needs attention.

Fear also lives in the body. Many women notice tightness in the chest, a knot in the stomach, clenched jaws, sleepless nights, or shoulders that feel like they are holding up the world. These are normal nervous system responses such as fight, flight, freeze, or fawn, especially during relationship stress or parenting challenges. Somatic skills like breathwork, grounding, and gentle movement help the body register safety again, which in turn helps the mind think clearly.

Because fear is information, we can work with it. The first step is to bring curiosity, not judgment. Below is a simple, practical framework I share with clients when fear feels overwhelming. It aligns with the Brave Women Project’s 5 Es: Educate, Empower, Encourage, Engage, and Evolve, by offering knowledge, skills, and compassionate action you can take today.

This Is NUTS Plan™ (Name, Unpack, Tackle, Separate)

I call it This Is NUTS™ because, honestly, fear can make you feel exactly that way.

Name it: Put the fear into words. I am afraid my child will be affected by all of this. I am afraid I cannot afford this new budget. I am afraid to trust again.

Unpack it: Ask, what question is this fear really asking? The fear about parenting might be asking, how can I protect my child’s stability while staying grounded myself?

Tackle it: Take one small step. Have an honest conversation, make a budget appointment, or schedule a check-in with a mentor or therapist. (Bonus points if you do it without ugly crying in the car first.)

Separate it: List what is in my control and what is not. Work the list you can influence and plan around the rest.

When the dust starts to settle, many of us ask, now what? That is where a broader roadmap helps. My D.O.N.E. Method™ (Decide, Own, Navigate, Elevate) offers a structured way to move forward.

Decide what you really want for yourself and your family, values first, then logistics. Own your story, strengths, and needs without apology. Navigate relationships, parenting, and professional choices with clear next steps and supportive allies. Elevate by learning from the chapter you have lived and building practices that sustain your wellness, purpose, and joy.

A moment from a recent conversation on Talk Pittsburgh crystallized this for me. Kelly Dzanaj looked at me and said, “Melissa, you are brave.” I had not thought of myself that way. I was just doing the next right thing, often with shaky hands. That reminder matters for all of us. Bravery does not always look loud. Sometimes it is quiet, consistent, and deeply personal, showing up to the hard conversation, telling the truth, or resting when your body says you need it.

And then there is Jack Sparrow, my favorite accidental philosopher, who said, “The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem.” Whether you love pirates or not, he is not wrong. Life throws curveballs. Sometimes they are softballs, sometimes they are flaming cannonballs. We do not get to choose the storm, but we do get to choose our stance, preferably with a little eyeliner and rum-free courage.

People often ask me what keeps me going after everything I have been through. I joke that I purely live out of spite, but honestly, there is some truth to it. That fire, that edge, that refusal to quit, it is what drives me to keep moving forward in my business and my life. I take all of that anger, frustration, and rage that once tore me down and use it to help someone else avoid it. Spite can be fuel if you aim it toward a purpose. It is not about revenge. It is about resilience.

Fear and pain do not care who you are or what your story looks like, but strength, humor, and grit are always available. When we stop fighting fear and start working with it, we begin to rebuild from a place of wisdom instead of worry.

Practical prompts to try this week:

• Where does fear live in my body today? Name the sensations and breathe into them for 60 seconds.

• Write a one-sentence “Name It” statement about your biggest current fear.

• Unpack it by writing the question underneath.

• Choose one tackling step you can complete in 15 minutes or less. (You can even set a timer between laundry loads.)

• Draw two columns labeled “In My Control” and “Out of My Control.” Fill them honestly, then circle one item in the “In” column to act on.

• Close by writing one compassionate sentence to yourself, as if you were speaking to your best friend after a long day.

Fear is not a swear word, and neither is divorce, breakup, parenting, or starting over. They are not proof of failure. They are signals. When we name them, laugh through them, and take small steps anyway, we take back our power. That is how we protect what matters, model resilience for our kids, and build lives that feel good again, one brave, occasionally spite-fueled step at a time.

About the Author: Melissa Ghelarducci Hancock is the founder of I Do. I Did. I’m Done!® Divorce Coaching and creator of the D.O.N.E. Method™ and This Is NUTS Plan™. She is also the founder of Divorced & Ready to Travel Diaries™, a global community and retreat series helping women rediscover joy, confidence, and connection through the healing power of travel. A Divorce and Conflict Resolution Specialist, best-selling author, public speaker, and developmental therapist, Melissa helps women navigate relationships, parenting, and life transitions with clarity, compassion, and the occasional laugh when life feels upside down.

www.divorcecoachmelissa.com